I Had to Take a Break

It's been a little over a month since I uploaded a post on here and it's because a lot has been going on for me. In January I was so excited to start blogging and making videos on my Youtube channel (having thought about doing it for years) I didn't want to wait until after my wedding so I attempted it all at once alongside planning our wedding. I knew doing it all at the same time would be stressful and I was prepared for that, I knew it might affect my consistency in being able to upload something on the same days each week while still prioritising my wedding, but I wanted to get started so I could start getting better at it. However, the thing I wasn't quite expecting was the anxiety, I thought I had had anxiety before in my normal day to day life, and at school when things like deadlines were looming or being in social situations like parties, I always slightly grind my teeth and feel tense in my back and shoulders. Recently I felt like I have experienced a deeper level of anxiety and having always thought of it like a close relative to depression I thought I knew what it was, but as I have been feeling so happy and excited about everything happening in my life right now, I didn't know how to cope with this random intense anxiety, so I took a break from blogging and filming.

I feel so much better now, but it got to the point where I wasn't sleeping for entire nights in a row, and then one morning I slept through my alarm clock and was late to work, I felt awful as our team has shrunk in the past year due to cuts so I am much more depended on to be on time. Missing my alarm wrecked my sleep as the anxiety from possibly missing it again made sure I wasn't going to get a good nights rest. I was also eating terribly as I wasn't preparing things in advance as it wasn't my priority, meaning I had to grab things on the go or eat whatever was in the fridge, or what wasn't and just go hungry. I started to feel generally run down and achey and eventually my mood fell quite low as I felt like I was failing, I had piled too much on myself with too high expectations too fast and I wasn't coping so I stopped doing everything except going to work.

I already have respect for YouTubers and bloggers who upload and post regularly and consistently as I know it is a lot of work. I haven't been in charge of my own work since university 10 years ago so I'm not used to managing myself, especially with a full time job and a long commute! My job is enjoyable with lots of opportunities that challenge me, but working for myself I realised you will never get pressure from anyone like you do from yourself, and when you don't get it right your mind can tell you some really hurtful things that can break you down so quickly. As a teenager I feel I suffered from mild depression for many years, and so I have always been wary of what I need to do for myself when I start to feel low, but it's taken me a while to figure out my anxiety as I don't believe I have ever truly felt it to this capacity. Don't get me wrong I am no expert on my depression, sometimes I will have a bout of it for weeks for absolutely no reason, and can't shake it off, so its all a learning curve and will be for the rest of my life as I am continuously changing and challenging myself.

To help with my anxiety I have been concentrating on getting back into a routine, and also adding more time to spend looking after myself. As our wedding is fast approaching its the perfect time for a bit of self care for me, I'm getting back into working out, I'm being much stricter with my Paleo diet and making sure I'm eating and sleeping enough. I'm preparing more things in advance and scheduling things in my diary so I get the important things done (so I don't lay awake worrying about them). My life and mind is just a little bit busy at the moment, and will be at least until after our wedding (although I love a good project to work on in my spare time!) So I'm just making the effort to be as healthy as I can and also taking time to meditate and calm my mind as well as recovering my body with yoga in the evenings before bed. Im prioritising my physical and mental health before anything because I can't do anything without them. Im happy to be back blogging (in my scheduled time!) and starting to feel like I'm getting a lot done, and back into lovely long nights of sleep!

I love to discuss this topic as depression and anxiety can seem such a mystery sometimes and when all the usual things to cheer you up don't work what do you do?