How My Style has Changed Since Turning 30

Since turning 30 last March Iv felt like my style has changed quite drastically, when buying clothes, I no longer always opt for everything in neutral colours. I’m not sure if it’s because clothes seem to be more fun lately with flamingos and unicorns being on trend, but I’m finding that I am drawn to brighter colours and metallics all of a sudden. I’ve also fallen in love with midi pleated skirts, wtf?! I’m totally a jeans wearer but I seem to have replaced most of them with brightly coloured skirts, I’m down to two decent pairs of jeans right now! But it doesn’t worry me, I feel like I’m a completely different person and I shouldn’t recognise myself, but Iv never felt more me.

I feel like Iv stopped caring so much about what other people think of me, worrying too much about what people think of me has been the route cause of my crippling shyness that has taken me years to get over. I used to find it so hard to speak to people, especially new people but I even remember back when my nan would visit us once a week, she would be there for a few hours after school and I felt desperate to talk to her but didn’t feel comfortable until it was almost time for her to leave, I always felt like I needed to to warm up which took a few hours and by the time I had she was leaving. I don’t why I was like that as a child but it seemed to get worse when I went to secondary school, trying to make new friends and absolutely never talking to boys, I think people just thought I was strange and plain, in all honesty I knew I was hard work to be around to get the conversation flowing, and I can still be like that at times. It’s like an anxiety, when I don’t think about it I’m fine but if I start to think I’m shy, I’ll start overanalysing quiet spaces in conversation and then I panic and my mind goes blank or if I’m under pressure I’ll just word vomit utter rubbish. But I’m a work in progress. It usually comes with a feeling of being worthless and not deserving of the other people’s company or time, especially if that person is someone to be admired, ...although I always seem to find something to be admired in everyone! So Iv never really felt worthy to wear stand out pieces or to try to look good or sexy in my clothes because I had no confidence. But the work I am doing on myself is slowly paying off, I’d say I started at the age of 18 when I discovered that doing things that scare me really help me, as I was working in a shop stockroom behind the scenes for 2 years, I would go to work once a week since the age of 16, I’d say hello, not speak for 4hrs and then say goodbye and leave. Then when I was 18 they said I needed to be till trained just in case, so I agreed and the next thing they were short of staff and I needed to serve customers. I was shaking from head to toe, I hadn’t been so nervous in my life, I’d always found ways to get out of talking to people and this time there was no way out. My mum always discouraged me from quitting a job until I found a new one and as I was a ‘goody goody’ ‘people pleaser’ all my life I felt I had to do it. For those two days I couldn’t stop shaking while serving people at the till, and then it just got easier and easier. Then as I started to talk a bit more I got bullied by one of my coworkers, he would say nasty things and call me names because I suddenly started talking, I didn’t have the guts to tell him to fuck off. I would come across what would seem as small challenges but where massive to me, like having to talk on the phone or going to another shop to get more training as I advanced further. I hated doing new things but I was loving that I felt like I had finally found the way for me to be more confident as I always thought I would be like it for the rest of my life. 

So here I am 12 years later, I feel so much more optimistic and it shows as I am now buying clothes because I love them not just for functionality, however my outfits still feel as comfortable as jeans if not more so. This winter has been cold cycling to and from work so trousers have been a must, but I’m loving having fun with my t-shirts and trying to wear coloured trousers, and as soon as the weather warms up I’ll be whipping out my pleated skirts again!