January Blues

I noticed somebody talking about the January Blues on instagram today, and I began to remember, oh yes, it’s supposed to be depressing this time of the year because Christmas is over and everyone goes back to work. But I started thinking and I honestly haven’t felt like that this year so far, and I certainly don’t intend to either if I can help it. Maybe it’s because I’m excited about my wedding, but thinking about that comes with waves of panic and stress. I did feel slightly sad that I was returning to work the evening before, but I felt fine on the day and Iv never been so motivated to do my best at my job.

I think it’s to do with the fact that over the years I have become increasingly more optimistic and I’m really starting to believe that I can do better things, and make my life one that I love to live. I feel so focused on what I want right now and for my future and I’m enjoying it. Actually I know the real reason, it’s because I’m really starting not to give a shit about what anyone else thinks of me and what I do anymore. For my whole life (I am 30 now) I have had crippling self consciousness; my mind telling me that I’m to awkward, in the way, and made people feel negative, and this made me so shy and too embarrassed to even talk openly about my opinions or how I felt. I thought that every word that would come out of my mouth would be stupid, and someone would find out that I am a stupid, ignorant, unintelligent, uninteresting human and then everyone would know and I’d have no friends. I the end though this feeling actually caused me not to have any friends at times, because who wants a friend who is as blank as a sheet of paper?

Well Iv been working on this since around the age of 17 and I feel like I’m finally starting to flourish, I have so many ideas brimming over in my mind, it's like my creativity has been locked away for years and it’s bursting to get out like a million trapped balloons! So I’m so happy to finally crack on with my goals unapologetically this year and really start living my life the way I want to. 

I know I still have so far to go but I'm really enjoying pushing my boundaries and challenging myself to see what I can do, and it makes me feel so excited about the future.